Open letter to the African woman

A few disclaimers: First, I’m not a feminist! At least not in that crash sense where women are superior to men and men are made to seem irrelevant men. Women need men just as much as they need us and a world with only one gender would be too boring to contemplate! I am the person I am today because of the awesome deposit of great men.  Second, I don’t have all the answers and I’m not speaking from a place of superiority-in other words, I have not yet arrived! Some of the matters I raise still perplex me, so please don’t hold me up as some paragon. Still, I feel an urgent need to raise these issues as I find them unreasonably present even amongst the supposedly enlightened. My desire is to at the very least start a conversation going.

Lastly, I make reference to the Bible to situate the religious context effectively- not because the Christian context is the only one but rather, because it’s the only religious context that I’m familiar with, I wish I had a similar understanding of others but alas, I don’t. You don’t have to agree with my views, but if it gets you thinking/ talking then I’d have achieved my purpose.

Dearest African Sister/Mother,

I have watched you for years and wondered at many of the woes and wounds you inflict on yourself. First, I was silent assuming that your age was a distinct advantage- what did I know anyway? But as I watched you go through varied seasons and I began my own life’s journey. I realised that perhaps your age was no more an advantage than my youth was. Perhaps you too like me were making life up as you went along. Perhaps, your insistence in continuing with many practices that can at best be described as unreasonable stemmed from actions that lack the benefit of debate. 

Yes, debate. Deep thought, pro and con considerations. So I decided to write you a letter about some issues I have been deeply thinking about for long. Please don’t jump to the defence of your entrenched position. I’ve heard you say many times that that’s just the way it is and when you’re trying to sound religious you add- that’s how God made it. Hence my decision to bring in the Bible- perhaps you’re right and God designed this significant inequality I’ve noticed. If so, let him say so himself- otherwise, I’ll just put it down to the many persons who have misrepresented him. This is definitely going to be a long letter (I’ve been thinking of many issues you see...)

Let me start with the thorniest issue for me- MARRIAGE. As you know, I am happily married to a bloke of a man and I was one of those people who found it hard to get that ring slipped on my finger- I prayed, fasted and advertised for a husband so I’m not making light of marriage but why is it SO IMPORTANT? You tell me it’s so I can have children (my own children you’ve emphasized) but in a continent with over 1.1 billion people with over 70% of that population living below $1 a day and millions of abandoned and orphaned children, why can’t women who want children simply adopt? I’ve heard all sorts of ‘God forbids’ on this one from the spiritual- “do you know the kind of spirit you’ll be bringing into your home”, to the clearly uninformed-it’s just not the same as a child from your own womb- who says? How can you conclude on an experience you haven’t tried? Don’t get me wrong, I want children from my own womb too, but I’d also like to adopt a child, give them a hope and an opportunity that they’d never have had but for my thoughtful extension of human kindness to another being who isn’t even related to me! For the average African, that seems like a no go area, sad!

You need companionship and someone to take care of you in your old age- now this one I believed for many years but what does this make the man out to be if not a meal ticket? However, for close to 50% of married women today this ‘taking care’ of them argument is a myth! Not only are women now taking care of men- Most women who are honest, can tell you for free that they are the ones paying school fees, house rent, food and even clothes. My natural justice seeking bent assumes that if women are assuming new roles, so too would the men but alas, this is not the case! These men who are so taken care of expect their wives to return home and perform their traditional roles-full bouquet.

Perhaps it’s my HR background, but I’ve never understood the assigning of household roles simply on the basis of gender. Sure, men can’t get pregnant or breastfeed so they are exempt from those two by a clear lack of equipment but why should being a woman banish a woman who positively hates cooking to an inglorious reign as chief chef if her husband does a better job? What makes cleaning the house, washing, etc a woman’s responsibility? I’ve been told that where the man brings in the money it’s the least the woman can do and I agree- to some extent. No woman or human for that matter should ever be so useless as to bring nothing to the table. Why just take up space?

However, and this is where I enter murky waters there is NOTHING LIKE A UNIVERSAL JOB DESCRIPTION FOR WIFE. Or husband for that matter! Just like there is no universal job description for MD/CEO. Sure, there are common themes but the MD/CEO of Facebook and the MD/CEO of first bank Nigeria differ significantly! So each home, like each company must clearly articulate and respectfully communicate the requirements of its available roles rather than arrogantly make assumptions! The Bible is very helpful here as it defines the woman’s role as HELPER.

Do all men need help in the same areas? NO! Would it be nice to get a domestic goddess who can cook, clean and have sex like the kamaSutra? Sure. But are those the areas where her skills are best put to use and for which the household most requires help? I believe that women’s roles differ from home to home as men have different requirements for help. And rather than to exhaust themselves by outlining what skills they lack, they would benefit more from identifying what they do have and so doing, they’d maximize their benefits rather than fight over irrelevant matters.This automatically banishes words like: a woman should...

The old age companionship assumption too is beginning to sound hollow in my ears-most women survive their husbands by at least a decade. At this time of their lives where they are at their lowest earning capacity, women who were commanded to resign their jobs now have the unenviable task of figuring out a career or resort to a life of begging.

Must I change my name? This one I know is dangerous grounds! Many women actually want to change their names! Prior to marriage, I didn’t even have my present stance of not changing your name at all- yes, you heard me right, I now believe women should not have to change their names, except they choose to. Why? Why should she? My moderate position was to hyphenate: Akiti-Diego. As any loving woman would, I discussed this with my husband to be and he agreed with me that there was no big deal. Only for it to become a real matter after marriage! Boy, did I feel duped! But as the loving wife that I am, seeing it brought so much bad blood, I’ve willingly given up my beloved AKITI and I’m now DIEGO.

Still, I want to know why the woman MUST change her name. Nowhere in the Bible is this demanded. Society began this for convenience and at a period in history where women were considered to be the man’s property. No, you are not your husband’s property- you belong to God, and each other! The verse that is often used to terrorize us does not even fit- therefore shall a man leave (Gen2.24; Matt 9.5; Eph 5.31)-it is a man that is supposed to LEAVE, not the woman.

I still have more questions to ask, but let me stop here and give you an opportunity to respond. I look forward to hearing from you.

Your African Sister,

Chinedu Diego XXX