A friend recently recounted an amazing story to me-his
brother was on his way to work and noticed a driver in an inappropriate
position with a child under 5 years. He decided to tail this driver to his
oga’s home and returned in the evening to report. Thankfully, he was granted
entry and as it turns out, the poor child had only recently been treated for
‘bleeding in her vagina’. The doctors could not ascertain the cause (our doctors’
need more training on spotting abuse). Then, I recently watched a movie about abuse
and its impact on the abused, add to that the fact that 7 in 10 women I’ve met
have suffered one form of abuse or the other.
I’ve had three near incidences: first, a senior military
officer came visiting my father and for
some reason I was the only one at home and I didn’t quite hear him come in. Next
thing he had his arm around my waist. Naturally shocked, I screamed. Then he
proceeded to do something I’ve since learned all abusers do-“you’re a big girl,
why are you acting like a baby?” (I was
13!) “I am a baby” I screamed. Thankfully, there were guards within shouting
distance and he didn’t press.
Second, it was a similar scenario-again I was in the
kitchen, and he came from behind- I screamed “I will tell...” to which he
casually responded-“nobody will believe you!”- He was practically a member of
the family, a friend of my uncle, whom I also called uncle!
Third, until recently I blamed myself for this one as even
my girl friends felt I should have KNOWN better. A neighbour of my brothers’ who had never
demonstrated any interest in me catches me in front of my hostel in Uni, we start talking
and he says; its uncomfortable chatting
outside, why don’t we just go to the University guest house and continue our
gist (it’s Zaria, men are not allowed into female hostel). Yes, I know you wise
ones would say that was a dead giveaway- but this is me, barely 16/17, never
left home before and super excited about the freedom of University and
generally wanting to be big! Plus, not once was anything we were talking about
even remotely emotional. To my young mind, these things followed a progression
of events. I guess I should have wondered at his excitement but I just thought
he was enjoying the conversation!
Long story short, we enter the room and he practically pounces.
When it’s obvious to me that I can’t match him for strength, I start crying and
confess (away with trying to be big) THAT I’VE NEVER HAD SEX BEFORE AND PLEASE
HE SHOULD NOT TAKE MY VIRGINITY LIKE THIS. Whether it was my incoherent words,
prayers or my mum’s unending prayers ‘something’ got to him and I was able to
leave that room without being raped. That was a miracle, many were not as
lucky! As I write, I remember tale after tale of abuse-on boys and girls by
same and opposite sex adults.
Interestingly, like
me, most children won’t tell their parents (I told my mum about the second
incident about 2 years ago). The officer is still known to me and even became a
leader in a church I attended for years- not once have I disclosed his identity
or even tried to ensure this evil incident ended with me (I’ve learned that
this fear? Of the abuser is common).
Interestingly, children’s reaction to abuse is diverse-some
seemingly welcome it, yet there is no abused child that is not scarred by
abuse. Parents are typically wary of strangers but most abusers are close to
the abused. I don’t mean to scare you
but if you are a parent, you are better paranoid than a statistic. Please pay
attention and teach your children to speak up for themselves early in
life! I know without a doubt that if I
was not a bold child, I’d be telling a different story!
More importantly, we must begin to teach our children-male
and female to be responsible. Consciously or unconsciously in Africa, we’ve
tended to show (beyond our words) that male irresponsibility is acceptable
(sowing wild oats!) this is not ACCEPTABLE!! We must start new conversations
with our boys, it’s not ok for anyone to touch them in a sexual manner and they
cannot force a girl (however much of a tease she may be!). We must learn to
listen to our heart when it says NO to a caregiver, even if s/he looks good and
ticks off all the right boxes. Finally, we must begin to shame abusers not
victims.
If you or anyone you know has suffered abuse, there is help.
Don’t keep it to yourself. Send me an email on chinedudiego1@gmail.com or call 08178804180.
Confidentiality is assured and we will connect you to trained trauma
counselors .
Disclaimer
I know that rape and abuse are do
not necessarily occur simultaneously, still their similarities are sufficient
to allow for our discussions
No comments:
Post a Comment